Listen, I don't care what the computer says.
We didn't take a bag of Meshugga Nuts.
And we did not watch Dr. Do-Me-A-Little.
- Were you in our room last night? - No.
I was told the movie's name wouldn't appear on the bill.
- Checking out of the bridal suite. - Right, I'm no longer a bride.
I'll never be a bride again. Now I'm just someone's wife.
And I'm the happiest guy in the world.
- We have so much to look forward to. - Yeah, right.
- The honeymoon. - That's not till Thursday.
- Wedding pictures. - It takes weeks.
- Not the disposable cameras. - I knew I married you for a reason!
I'll go get them developed, and you can go home.
- What did you take a picture of? - Nothing. It was something.
Ross has the cameras. Is he checked out yet?
Are you joking? Checkout is not till noon.
- And he has a good 11 minutes left. - So?
He never checks out a minute before he has to.
Once we got a late checkout, he got so excited, it was our best sex ever.
Until he screamed out "Radisson" at the end.
Okay, I'll get Ross, get the cameras and get them developed.
Thirty-two, Joe. You're 32!
- Here's your bill. - Thanks.
Champagne, strawberries...
Oh, my God! I can't believe Chandler ordered porn on our wedding night.
Yeah, that's sad. Meshugga Nut?
The One With the Red Sweater
Soaps, shampoos. Are you really taking all this?
- Why not? It's included in the price. - Yeah, but you don't need...
- What is this? - Thread.
Score! Where are the disposable cameras?
- What cameras? - Last night I asked you to take them.
- No, you didn't. - Yes, before we cut the cake, I said...
Yeah, you asked me for a favor. Then my Uncle Murray gave you a check.
Then you said, "Why is it called a check? Why not a Yugoslavian?"
- Yeah, then you did that. - So you don't have the cameras?
- No, sorry. - They're gone? Monica's gonna freak!
They're here somewhere. I'll help you look.
- Great. - In three minutes.
You're gonna open the presents without Chandler?
They're calling out to me. This guy even crawled into my lap.
He wouldn't mind if I opened one. What do you think it is?
A mirror that when you look into it, you see yourself as an old woman.
A tiny salt shaker!
Oh, my God, for tiny salt!
Oh, wow! Okay, that was fun.
Okay, I'll wait for Chandler to open up the rest.
Although, you know, this is part of a salt-and-pepper set.
It's only half a present. What do you think?
It's okay to open one more if it's a set. It's probably this one.
Or this one!
- Got any morning sickness? - The guys don't know, do they?
No. Chandler thinks Phoebe's pregnant.
Right. Chandler still thinks I'm pregnant.
He hasn't asked me how I feel, or offered to carry my bags.
I feel bad for the woman who ends up with him.
After you, of course.
You'll only be pregnant a few more hours. I'll tell the father today.
Is it that tall guy from the first floor?
- No! - What? I think he's cute.
- Then you have his baby. - I'm trying.
It's so weird. You're gonna tell this guy today, and he has no idea.
You'll just knock on his door and change his life forever.
You're like Ed McMahon, except without the big check.
Or the raw sexual magnetism.
- Yeah, I guess it's pretty big news. - Pretty big? It's huge!
God, this guy is walking around thinking:
"I had sex with Rachel Green. I rock!"
Then, bam! He's a father, everything's different.
Only if he wants it to be. I won't ask for anything.
Okay, now he's walking around thinking:
"Do I want to be a dad?" Then, bam!
- What was that "bam"? - I don't know. He's hit by a bus.
Joey, what would you do if someone you slept with told you she was pregnant?
Who called here?
Did she sound blond? Any accent? I gotta make a call.
Should have never walked into that Sunglass Hut!
It's not you! You didn't get anyone pregnant.
Why would you scare me like that? What the hell's going on?
Is somebody pregnant?
Oh, yeah! That's me.
Oh, my God, Pheebs! You're gonna have a baby?
Yes, I am. Oh, my God, I'm gonna have a baby!
- Wait, who's the father? - You don't know him.
He wants nothing to do with me or the baby.
Who is this guy? Because I'll track him down and kick his ass!
- David Linn. - David Linn!
- Who's David Linn? - Some annoying guy from my gym.
- Chandler? - Did you find the cameras?
- No. Did you? - Yes, that's why I'm under the table.
I checked in the lost and found. No one's turned them in.
Great. Those cameras were the only thing that will cheer Monica up.
You just got married. Why is she depressed?
I'm not going to ask that question. I can't believe I screwed this up!
I'm sorry, man.
Here's a thought. This is the same ballroom.
There's a band. There'll be dressed-up people.
Are you suggesting we dance our troubles away?
No, we buy more of these, throw our tuxes on and take a few pictures.
We make sure not to get people's faces.
Are you serious?
I'm thinking about your new bride. Do you really want to let her down?
Marriage advice? Really?
This looks just like your wedding.
- Same flowers? - I don't know. Monica picked them.
- The chairs? - Those too.
- The place settings? - Her.
- What did you do? - I took care of the cameras.
Gift shop?
- Did you do it yet? - Not yet.
Then what are you doing here? Are you about to do it?
Is it Gunther?
- It's not Gunther! - Thank God. That hair on a baby?
The father is not here. I haven't told him, and I don't think I can now.
Why not?
I was walking and thinking, "I'm gonna tell the father. " And then, bam!
Bus?
No, you! You freaked me out. You kept saying how huge this is.
- But it is huge. - I know.
But I was thinking how huge it is for me.
I didn't think about the father.
You're thinking about it too much. Tell him and get it over with.
It's like ripping off this Band-Aid, quick and painless.
Oh, mother of...!
See?
- Are we opening presents? - No. I shouldn't be opening these.
Joey, I am out of control! You have to do me a favor.
No matter what I say, do not let me open another present.
Give me one more.
Good, you're here. Pheebs? Listen...
Sit down, I got something I want to say.
It's a scary world out there, especially for a single mom.
I always felt that you and I have a special bond.
So, Phoebe Buffay, will you marry me?
Oh, my God!
Oh, yeah, I'll marry you.
- You can't marry him! - Your day's over, it's my turn.
- Why can't she marry me? - I can and I will.
She's not pregnant. Rachel's the one who's pregnant.
Oh, my God!
He'd notice when you didn't have a baby!
It's Joey!
I can't believe it! Rachel's pregnant? Who's the father?
We don't know.
- I wonder if it's that dude. - There's a dude?
Who is it?
A month ago this guy spent the night. I didn't see who it was, but...
Was that story over?
The guy left this.
Oh, my God! I know who the father is.
People have got to finish their stories.
- Could you take a picture of us? - Of course.
- Would you take one of us? - Yeah, sure.
Click.
- It didn't click. - I heard it.
- There was no flash. - You won't take our picture?
Yeah, I'll take your picture.
- Your finger was covering the lens. - Who are you, Ansel Adams? Scram!
I feel really bad about how I freaked you out before...
...so I asked the father to come here.
What? Wait a minute. How do you know who it is?
I may play the fool at times...
...but I'm more than a pretty blond with an ass that won't quit.
I believe this belongs to the father.
Oh, God. He's in there right now?
You can turn around, or go in and rip the Band-Aid off.
- Let's rip. - Are you sure?
- Phoebe! - Sorry.
Hey, Rach.
Go on-stage. I'll get a picture of you doing the speech.
Will the owner of a 1995 LeSabre see the front desk?
Your car is about to be towed.
That's my car!
- A '95 LeSabre? - Yes.
- A green LeSabre? - Yes!
- I'm sorry, I meant blue. - Yes, green-blue.
Well, go. Go move it!
Ready for the last picture? Get ready to run.
Congratulations on your wedding.
What's this about?
Rachel has something to tell you.
And I believe that this is your red sweater.
No, this is my red sweater.
Oh, no.
Could I get anyone a coffee?
Or poison? No? Just for me? Okay.
What's going on?
Nothing. Phoebe kind of made a mistake.
But you wear that sweater a lot. Is it some kind of dare?
I'm actually glad Phoebe called.
I was immature, but I've grown up. I think we should get back together.
It's not the right time.
It is the right time. I'm ready for more.
Let's give it another try.
I'm having a baby.
- You can go. - Thank you.
I don't know how any of these got opened!
- You opened them all? - I know, I am a terrible person.
Chandler won't trust me ever again.
- You got my parents' gift. - What is that?
I think it does something to salami.
- How'd it go? - What did Tag say?
Tag is not the father. And Joey knows now?
I do, and I'm so happy for you.
Wow, you didn't even try to unhook my bra.
- Will you ever tell whoever it is? - I will, just not tonight.
No matter what he says, you're not gonna be alone.
I'm not?
No. Listen...
It's a scary world out there, especially for a single mom.
I've always felt like you and I have a special bond.
- Rachel, will you marry me? - What?
- Pheebs, give me the ring back. - No!
Joey, you're so sweet, honey, but I'm not looking for a husband.
I understand.
If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and lie down.
I can't say that didn't hurt.
- But I'll take you back, Joey. - About that, l...
- Oh, a Salami Buddy! - There you go!
- We're back! - Great.
We're hanging in the kitchen. Let's stay in the kitchen.
- It's picture time. - You're gonna love these.
Here's a picture of Ross. And that's me.
And that's me and Ross.
And here's our first kiss as a married couple.
That is a great picture.
And interesting, because I found the cameras in one of our bags.
Didn't see that coming.
Okay, this isn't our first kiss...
...but it is my first kiss with this lady.
Which I'm sure you'll remember, so there's no need...
- I'll take these to get developed now. - Good idea.
You opened the presents? We were gonna do that together.
You kissed another woman?
- Call it even? - Okay.
- I'll put these in water. - You stole those from that wedding?
No, the hotel lobby.
They think they can charge me for some dirty movie and a bag of nuts!
Hey, my sweater!
I've been looking for this for a month.
Oh, my God!
- Hey, how you doing? - Good. Long time no see.
- Like your sweater. - Right back at you.
- It's crazy about Rachel. - Well, she's one crazy lady.
- So whose is it? - I don't know, some Italian guy.
Come on, read your own label. See you later.
He is so weird.
[ENGLISH]